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OGMORE
ANGLERS SAVE PLANET FROM SPACE ALIENS!
July 24, 2001
In a surprise press conference, Bridgend Council
and military authorities confirmed rumours that
as many as twenty-five anglers have been abducted
by space aliens from various locations along the
banks of the River Ogmore, Bridgend County.
The announcement
was made when the group of abductees was returned
to the planet en-mass by the space aliens to a secret
government facility located in the Aberkenfig, Bridgend
County. A government spokesman who declined to be
identified stated, "It seems that, despite
their best efforts, the space aliens were unable
to assimilate these fisherman into their collective."
Authorities also indicated that the fisherman may
have posed a threat to the collective, but would
not be more specific.
According to authorities,
the Bridgend 25, as I have dubbed them, were taken
by the collective from at least twelve holding pools
along the river believed to range from the Junction
Pool at Merthyr Mawr up to the Bomb Pool in Aberkenfig.
While most of the abductees were fishing alone when
taken, several parties of three or more were also
abducted. In all cases, the abductees were lifted
into a small spacecraft by a beam of some sort and
then transported to a mother ship. The most recent
abductions occurred between 10:00 PM and 2:00 AM
while the abductees were night fishing. Authorities
refused to identify the specific pools from which
the anglers were taken, disclosing only that the
first abductions occurred in the Mertyhr Mawr area.
The abductions allegedly started in early March
and continued to mid June when the space aliens
finally gave up on the assimilation project. Ogmoreriver.com
has learned in an exclusive press conference by
a well-known, reliable secret agent, who functions
as an important expert on extra-terrestrial matters,
that it appears when attempts were made to assimilate
the abductees, the uniqueness they gave to the collective
was an individual compulsion to abandon their responsibilities
to the collective frequently and return to Bridgend
County and find a quiet place to go fishing. The
source also indicated that the affected drones began
using the collective's replicators to make various
fishing lures and flies of all description. "If
the infection had been allowed to spread throughout
the collective, it could have destroyed their whole
operation.
A fishing obsession
is nothing to be taken lightly - as the space aliens
have now learned." according to the source.
Several of the drones reportedly began replacing
their arm implants with permanent fishing reels
and rods. At least two drones modified their eye
implants to include depth finder capability. "It's
very likely these fisherman saved the planet from
assimilation. In every case, the aliens were unable
to remove the inborn fishing instinct before assimilation."
according to the source.
Editors Note: It ain't over yet. I
vow stay on this story!
This
publication conforms to the Tabloid Code of Ethics.
We promise to:
Only
defame public figures who can't or won't fight back.
Never
identify a source, real or imagined. Never use a
credible source unless it's to perpetuate a lie.
Use the truth sparingly and then only to give the
story the appearance of credibility. Reinforce the
irrational beliefs, fears, and phobias of other
anglers
20 March
2002
An
English businessman was standing by Porthcawl harbour
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside
the small boat were several large cod.
The English man complimented the fisherman on the
quality of his fish and asked how long it took to
catch them.
The fisherman replied "only a little while".
The English man then asked why didn't he stay out
longer and catch more fish?
The fisherman said he had enough to support his
family's immediate needs.
The English man then asked, but what do you do with
the rest of your time?
The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, make love to my wife, stroll
into the village each evening where I have a few
pints and play guitar with my mates, I have a full
and busy life."
The English man scoffed, "I am an Oxford Graduate
and could help you. You should spend more
time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger
boat. With the proceeds from the bigger
boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead
of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell
directly to the processor, eventually opening your
own cannery. You would control the product,
processing and distribution. You would
need to leave this small coastal fishing village
and move to Cardiff City and eventually London where
you will run your expanding enterprise."
The fisherman asked, " how long will this all
take?"
To which the English man replied, "15 - 20
years."
"But what then?"
The English man laughed and said that's the best
part. When the time is right, you sell
your company stock to the public and become very
rich. You would make millions.
"Millions? Then what?"
The English man said, "Then you would retire. Move
to a small coastal fishing village where you would
sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids,
make love to your wife, stroll to the village in
the evenings where you could have a few pints and
play guitar with my mates ....."
In March 1996 a
man living in Newton near Porthcawl received a bill
for his as yet unused credit card stating that he
owed £0.00. He ignored it and threw it
away.
In April he received another and threw that one
away too. The following month the credit
card company sent him a very nasty note stating
they were going to cancel his card if he didn't
send them £0.00 by return of post. He
called them, talked to them, they said it was a
computer error and told him they'd take care of
it.
The following month our hero decided that it was
about time that he tried out the troublesome credit
card figuring that if there were purchases on his
account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However,
in the first shop that he produced his credit card
in payment for his purchases he found that his card
had been cancelled.
He
called the credit card company who apologized for
the computer error once again and said that they
would take care of it. The next day he
got a bill for £0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company
only the previous day the latest bill was yet another
mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company
would be as good as their word and sort the problem
out.
The next month he got a bill for £0.00 stating that
he had 10 days to pay his account or the company
would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in he thought he would play the company
at their own game and mailed them a check for £0.00. The
computer duly processed his account and returned
a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit
card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him
what he was doing writing a check for £0.00. After
a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the
£0.00 check had caused their check processing software
to fail. The bank could not now process
ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day
because the check for £0.00 was causing the computer
to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from
the credit card company claiming that his check
had bounced and that he now owed them £0.00 and
unless he sent a check by return of post they would
be taking steps to recover the debt. The
man, who had been considering buying his wife a
computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter
instead.
Five
reasons computers must be female...
| 1. |
No one but
their creator understands their internal workings. |
| 2. |
Even your
smallest mistakes are immediately committed
to memory for future reference. |
| 3. |
The native
language used to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else. |
| 4. |
The message,
"Bad command or filename," is about
as informative as "If you don't know
why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
going to tell you." |
| 5. |
As soon as
you commit to one, you find yourself spending
half your salary on accessories for it. |
"Every
day of my life, I am forced to add another
name to the list of people who piss me off!" |
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